Strangled with Panic

Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes one feel like it might when a drowning man holds unto you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic. -Anais Nin

I wake up, and everything is normal. Making coffee, playing with my son, fixing breakfast. The clock is at 6:35 and I know it's coming. I kiss Jay goodbye and tell him to have a great day at work. Secretly telling him not to take the interstate, since our spin off last year still haunts me. The events of the afternoon come off our lips as if we've already seen the movie- what we'll do, talk about, and eat for dinner. Jay leaves the house.......and so it begins.

It's like a whole different person comes over me, a different personality.

It's dark, all the doors are locked, and checked again. Articles invade my mind like an archive from an old library.
 -The woman in NJ who was brutally beaten during a home invasion who showed no emotion through the whole thing so that her toddler would not intervene. I think about how much braver she is than I am, and how did she ever know to do that? How did she just know how to react.

As a parent, you know that it's your job to protect your child. It's all on your shoulders. But what if you just, can't?
When the smallest of sounds is paralyzing.....

I'm friends with the monster, that's under my bed. Get along with the voices, inside of my head. You're trying to save me- stop holding your breath.

And you think I'm Crazy..... Well, that's nothing. 

-Eminem 

Episodes of Criminal Minds torture me. I try to think of what I would do if I were them? If someone stuck a gun to my head in the parking lot of the grocery store, would I scream loud? Or let them take me? What if Braxton is already strapped into his seat? What if running away isn't an option?

What if I did nothing....

The truth is, these battle scars are never changing. The wounds of a childhood are there whether you know about them or not. Anxiety, stress disorders, disassociation and the inability to hold a conversation with a person are all on my list. It will never be over. I freeze, I panic.

---Don't let your car run with the garage door down. Lock all your doors behind you, even at home. Don't leave a child unattended-ever. Make sure all the nightlights are out of the walls when you leave the house, the hair straightener off. Alarm your house, alarm your car. None of it makes me feel safe.
Even with the whole checklist completed, 10 hours of my day is run by anxiety, Fear. I could only wish I were scared of spiders. Snakes, or mice. Instead, I am scared of living.---

At one point in my life, chaos was my only normal. Nothing made me feel a live and I wasn't scared of a single thing. I would drive down a country road in the dark with my headlights off just to see if I could make it home alive. Nothing scared me, not even dying. I guess now, I just have something to live for.

The best place to hide something is in plain sight...

-Jodi Picoult

We all struggle with something we don't show to anyone else. If you know me in person, I'm sure you'd be surprised to know any of this- that I am actually socially awkward. I can relate to anyone, because of my upbringing- and I have a lot of friends because of that- but nobody can relate to me, and that my friends, couldn't be more lonely.

Anything but Mine Pt 2

It had been years since we talked. To suddenly get a message on facebook from a person who had once meant so much to me, was huge. We immediately hit it off again and went over all the nights we had spent as teenagers.

At this time in life I was in college and getting out of an extremely bad relationship, and to be honest, I wasn't totally in the clear yet. I saw this as an opportunity to pick up where we had left off, and since it was good the first time, why wouldn't the magic be there now?

He had moved to college, and lived two hours away now. But the night we started talking again he told me that he had to see me and made that two hour drive right away.
We stayed up all night, in a twin sized bed talking about how great it had been. How we never fought and how destiny brought us back together.

His charisma and charmed worked the first time, and it was immediately clear that it would work again. It didn't surprise me at all that I wanted to jump into a relationship with him. I almost had something to prove. All those years ago came snowballing back into my life and I thought for a moment that I could have it all back again. I knew that the first time wasn't as magical as I remembered it being, but here I was, naively going back for more.

The beginning of the relationship was great. He again, was patient with me and helped me through the tough relationship I was coming out of. I met his family for the first time, and he introduced me as his girlfriend.
We went on small road trips together, and I felt like I had someone who really knew me.

We stayed boyfriend and girlfriend for months. I lived in Indy with my sister, and he lived at college two hours away. We stayed together on the weekends, alternating trips until soccer season started. It was 2008 at the height of gas prices rising to $4/gallon. It was tough for two college students, but we made it work.

There was one issue. I had a secret.
I had a secret, and he could tell. It had nothing to do with him but it was a big part of my life, and I did not want to share it with him. I was so scared of being vulnerable. This was one thing that I did not tell anyone, but of course, he pulled it out of me.

The night he found out my secret, we cried together. He was very sad for me and promised to be by my side through it all. I felt as though I could finally trust someone again. I was at my weakest, and I just gave him all my power.

After a year of dating, he started to change. To this day I am not sure why.

One night we were in his tiny dorm room, and he started to tear me down. A seemingly good relationship was ripped apart with words. He called me every name he could think of.
Every insecurity was thrown in my face. A cruel so casual, like he never cared at all. How was it so easy for him to say all of those things about me? What did I do to deserve it?

I started to pack my things, starting with my clothes, and then pictures. It was clear I was no longer wanted.
He pulled me back. By this time I was balling. Crying so hard I could not breathe. I though our relationship was wonderful, and here he is, dropping a bag of bombs.

I was devastated, but couldn't drive two hours, so I asked him if we could just go to bed.
He was puzzled at my question. Smirked as if he thought he got away with it. Nonetheless, we went to sleep.

The next day we woke up and went to McDonalds. At a four seater table we talked, but not much on the night before. I warned him that if he ever talked to me like that again we would be done. I don't really know if I meant it, but I wasn't ready to lose what I thought we had.

As time went by, it got worse and worse. He stopped wanting to come down on weekends and warned me that we wouldn't be spending as much time together. Out of desperation, and not taking his hints, I vowed to go to him every weekend, and so I did.

We started to fight, often. Breaking furniture, and mirrors, fighting.

For the first time in months, and the last time in my life he came to Indy to see me, and to bring medicine I had left at his dorm. We both knew it was the end, and we sat on my bed- The same twin sized bed where it all began, and agreed that we would be over. I could tell that he wanted it for a while, and I had purely been there for convenience. I strongly agreed to his terms, never talking again. We cried together, once more. Then he left.

That is the last time I ever saw him.

Shortly after I text him. I couldn't control myself. I said that we made a mistake and I wanted to stay together...... So the story begins.

He ignored me for a long time, hoping that my heart would heal and I could move on.
I wanted that too.

Break ups are fine if your'e on the good side of leaving.

Countless nights I cried, sitting on my bed convincing myself that people just change their minds.
I analyzed every minute of our relationship and wondered where and what went wrong. I couldn't help but think back to the night he tore into me like he had nothing better to do.
I told myself over and over that I needed to get over him, that he didn't want me anymore.

Later I found out that he had been cheating on me.
Later he leaked pictures of me I never knew he had.
Later, he told everyone my biggest secret.

He took my biggest secret, and broke me with it.
a straight cut to the throat, a pain so real, you can physically feel it.

By this time, the pain and rejection was so intense all I wanted to do was party. I was lost. I wanted someone to want me because the person I wanted didn't.

He not only took me once, but twice, and I blamed myself.

For the year following I was nothing but reckless.

We all have a wrecking ball, and he was mine.

Anything But Mine Pt 1

In light of all this Miley Cyrus drama-let me just tell you that I love it.
I am sure that it is all a ploy for fame, but isn't it all?


I can truly appreciate the vulnerability and honesty that anyone, even a star shows when they have a break down. That is the only time I can ever feel a connection with someone, especially on the radio....
There is nothing comparable to a song with pain threaded through it...and wrecking ball is just that, a story that nobody is reading.

Everyone wants to make fun of her hair, and the nudity, and her hair, and her licking a sledge hammer, and.... has anyone noticed her hair? That's all people have. She looks different, and her version of crazy is on display. I guess 'people' won't understand until they're in that state themselves.

My Miley moment came after a boy used me....and I let him.

You never know how rejection feels until you face it straight on. When you try to hold on to something and someone who simply doesn't want you anymore. That person who you gave everything to. The one you thought loved you as much as you loved them.



The first time we met was at a school dance I really didn't want to attend. It was homecoming and I stayed away from anything sports related, and dance related, for that matter. I was talked into going to the dance and I swore I would just hang out for a bit and then leave as soon as I could hitch a ride out of there.

I remember standing in the cafeteria and seeing him come through the crowd for the first time. His blonde hair was perfectly placed, he wore a light blue shirt, and his piercing blue eyes never left mine. It was almost as if he was coming straight for me, like he was on a mission-even though we had never met. He knew who I was, but I had only heard about him. As he approached me I just stood there, and let it all happen, a senior boy was about to talk to me.
 I was still trying to gather my thoughts as he introduced himself and asked me if I was Justine's best friend. I said I was, staring back. His eyes never moved. It was almost as if he knew exactly what he was doing to me. The foot of space between us was tense. One sentence from him and I was melting inside. He had this persona about him that reeked of seduction, and I wanted more of that.
Proceeding to ask me to dance, I turned him down, because, let's face it, I wasn't going to make a fool out of myself then. He took that as a challenge and put his arms around me, and then my waste. I tried acting just as coy as he had been, fighting for the upper hand.
After a while he realized I would not cave and released me. I thought I played it off well, until the next day. He was in a class of mine.
He told me soon after the dance, that he would make it a point to get me to open up to him. For an entire semester, he sat behind me. Messed with me, and flirted, making me secretly like him back.
For me, this relationship started out as an accident. My best friend had the biggest crush on him, and it was immediately forbidden to talk to him. Except, that winter, she and I had a falling out.
I can't even remember what we fought about but it was one for the books. We didn't talk for weeks, and she had seemed to move on from her original crush, which opened a door for me.
I had never given him my phone number, or purposefully acted interested in him, all the while he made it a point to partner with me on every assignment. I knew I shouldn't like him. I knew it was the start of something.
In December I passed out invitations to my 16th birthday party, and of course, he got a hold of one. From there he got my phone number and sent me the first text message I ever received in my life.
I remember running into my sisters room from across the hall and acting like a total 16 year old. I was the giddiest I had ever been, because the hottest guy in school just text me. 
He asked me out and I said yes.

The next few months consisted of countless dates. Multiple times a week.

I felt like I was in an 80's movie. I felt like he was different with me.
We talked on the phone every night for hours, playing the question game and laughing.
We laid under the stars in his truck bed and just talked about life as the fire flies danced over the corn fields. We listened to a lot of Kenny Chesney, and came home past curfew. We cuddled a lot, and I liked feeling close to someone. For once, I felt like I was an exception.

He was very patient with me. We made out of course, but never did anything else until I initiated it. I was surprised at that because I knew of his track record. It made me feel respected.

I knew this guy would be life changing. And after April 15th 2005, it did.

It was a Friday, and we'd be going on a date as usual. I didn't know what to wear so I borrowed a tank top and pink jacket from my sister's closet, and of course my favorite silver jeans. We were going to play putt putt so I wanted to be comfortable. I had a special feeling about that night, like something big was going to happen.
We went to play putt-putt, and I cheated, but won. We went to the park, and talked in the truck. We both knew what we were going to do.
Feeling overwhelmed and looking for a distraction we decided to go out for ice cream, and then back to the park. It was unavoidable.
He chased me around the playground like we were in a movie, and we danced. We danced, on top of a castle to Anything But Mine by Kenny Chesney. He had pulled the speakers from his truck so we could hear the music playing anywhere. I felt as though we were straight out of a Taylor Swift album, like pure magic.
You know what happens next.

When we left the park, I remember being calm, and relaxed- not like I had just lost my virginity. R on the other hand, was shaking. Somehow, it made me feel good that he was so nervous.

We continued our dating for months, and it remained magical. He was the first boy I ever snuck into my house, and I climbed an electrical pole into his. Pure 16 year old gold, right?

As the months passed, the dreaded time came where we had to say goodbye. He was a senior after all. This whole time we did not have one fight. We mixed well together, but I knew it was the end. Cold turkey, we stopped talking. No phone calls, texts, letters, or anything. We left each other to our memories.

Years later, when I was in college he contacted me on Facebook, and from then on, I never even had a chance.

I miss you already.

As the "back to work" date potentially approaches I have begun to think about what "back to work" truly means for myself and my family. We seem to get these ideas and just run with them. Not really thinking of the consequences, good and bad.
Going back to work for my family is mainly beneficial. The money aspect especially. Then there's Braxton going to an all day learning environment which is wonderful, and mommy's self esteem of course.
The only problem I am seeing with it is this:

I am going to miss my kid.

Yep, that's it.

You're probably ready to jump through the computer to smack me in the face and tell me to wake up because we all miss our kids. duh.
But let me break it down a little bit here and explain why I am writing a whole blog about it.

First, it was best for my family at the time (almost 2 years ago) for me to be a stay at home/ work at home mom. You would think that was easy.
I was able to make home made baby food and nurse my son for 13 months. All great things.

Last night, I did something with braxton that I had never done before. I let him stay the night without me. He stayed at his nana and "baw baw's" house. just because.

I stayed up until 1 am worrying for no reason, but it did bring up my anxiety issues again, of leaving him.
When he was an infant I had severe post par tum depression, and I would get final destination style images of my son dying 10 times a day. literally.

For the first time in a while that happened again and scared the crap out of me.

You see, its scary. Once you become a mom you become, well, a mom. and that includes all these fears and anxieties you never thought you'd have.

I do know that Braxton will be completely okay all day without me. But then there's also the fact that Jay and I have been discussing having a second child (we have never entertained that idea before) and I wonder how much me going back to work changes that idea. I already know that every child is different and I would not be able to do the same things with her that I did with B. (yes, ive already decided our second child will be a girl, ha)

This whole mess brought me to the point. No matter what we do in life we feel guilty as a mom. PLEASE someone tell me that there will be an end to this?

If I'm a stay at home mom I feel bad for the material things, and opportunities we don't have. I feel lazy because I don't mop the bathroom floor everyday. I feel bad because I don't like to cook extravagant dinners, and have cake ready afterwards. I feel bad because I am not the perfect stay at home mom. I feel bad about myself because I was rushed and put my shoes on the wrong feet, mascara on one eye, and heaven forbid, forgot to wear a bra. Not to mention the 10 lbs I gained last winter. We feel bad about these things because stay at home moms are suppose to have all the time in the world, right?

Then, If I go back to work I'll feel bad because I am not spending 14 hours a day with my children. I won't have time to cook dinner every night, I might have to skip a PTO meeting, my kids will ride the school bus, and my bathroom floor may never be mopped again.

Although I am not a traditional working mom yet, I can't help but think that you just can't win here.

I am unsatisfied if I do not, and I am guilty if I do.

This is just one of those things you work through and figure out. You do the best you can for your family.
I guess I'll have to learn that perfection isn't possible, and I do not have to wear all of these hats and be all of these things.

:(

To B: I miss you already.

Is anyone really that important?

This weekend my little family attended a family reunion. This is deemed "A Long Weekend" because My mother in law's maiden name is Long, and, it really is a longgggg weekend. This was my 5th year attending the overwhelming blast of questions and catching up that happens when you put 50 people in one place who haven't seen each other in a year. There was family from all over the country attending, and let me just say how not like my family that is. My family barely gets together for Christmas and Thanksgiving, so it is surprising to me that Jay's whole family likes each other enough to fly from all over the place to spend three and a half days together. It is mind blowing, and wonderful. 

The best thing about this yearly trip is that there is zero technology. We go and stay at a cabin in the woods which we share. There is no T.V. There is no cell service, which means no candy crush, Pandora, or Blogging even. (gasp!) 

For the first time in five years I really appreciated this trip. Let me first tell you how not outdoorsy I am. I could also tell you that I have Lupus and cannot handle the heat, and I absolutely suck at making fires, corn hole, and board games. But for some reason this trip was eye opening.

I did in fact play corn hole, which did lead to some injuries I call "corn hole arm" I also played other outdoor games, board games, and generally survived. 

The important thing is that my husband LOVES all of those things in which I do not like. He really did appreciate me attending and participating. Year by year I try to do a little more and since this campground is on a lake and a whole outdoor park I would like to do even more next year. 

Jay has been patient with me through it all while I grasp the importance of family, and even extended family which are concepts I have never had. I grew up very different from Jay and I am sure that if he was thrown into my upbringing he would be intimidated too.

Having 50 extra people I barely know care about me is confusing, yet settling.

I will attend yearly, if nothing else, to get the quality time with my family that not having technology allows. You would never believe how liberating it is to sit by the water, soak in nature and watch the most natural thing, love happening. 

These days, I feel like the world is emotionally exhausted. Everyday we are so busy. But with what?

We sit in front of the t.v., our cell phones, video games, and the computer for hours on end. When we're done, we are emotionally exhausted because the mind in tricked into thinking we're really racing a car or slaying a dragon in real life instead of on the video game. The sucky part is that we're not. We end up emotionally exhausted from all the insights into our 500 facebook friend's status updates, and all the drama that entails. We end up emotionally drained by the 3,000 text messages and conversations that we are endlessly having. We are emotionally exhausted. Too exhausted to have a conversation in real life, or to do physical labor, that the day use to be made of. 

My question is, When did we get so damn important?

When did every individual person start to need to be reached immediately? We have an addiction to having our cell phones at our side, and we're lost without them. We must reply to every text right away, stop our day to write that email. 

It dawned on me while I was laying on the beach by the water watching my son and husband play that, those exact moments are what weekends were once made of. 

Once upon a time you came home and shut the world out. You came home to your family. Just your family. Moms and Dads played with their kids, ate dinner together, sang songs around a piano. (I am not sure where the last one came from.) And the whole family enjoyed each other. Weekends were made up of more family time. 

During this moment of clarity I couldn't help but wonder if the growing technology is a big factor in why families fall apart. Today we text and read articles during dinner and that makes us think the rest of the world has something more interesting to say than those sitting across from you.

I wont even get into the benefits/downfalls of technology because that is not my point. The real point here is that we can't let technology take place of personal contact, and family bonding. 

Give yourself a break, guys. 

I love everything I hate about you..

This morning I woke up to the most wonderful thing! Someone asking for advice! Well, I'll tell you right off that I am not paid to do this, and I have no degree backing me up. What I do have is an opinion, and a unique upbringing that allows me to see life a tad differently than the rest of the world. Just like any woman, I LOVE to share my opinion :)

SV asked: "Hey Sam, I have been engaged to my fiance for a few months now. The wedding date is approaching faster and faster and I was wondering if you had any advice on being a newly wed couple. I know you and Jay got married quickly, and young. What would you tell other couples about keeping a strong marriage?"

When you get married at a young age, it can be challenging. Although, like any 20 year old, you think you know exactly what you want and you think you have it all figured out. I know I did, but the most surprising thing happened when Jay and I started our journey, we both realized that we didn't.
Here are a few of the "ah ha!" moments I had. Some of them were very harsh realizations that I had. Some of them simple. There is nothing better than honesty, and honestly, marriage is hard. People will tell you the good things, and the bad things about marriage but until you're faced with those same situations you probably aren't listening. Do me a favor and listen, really listen. Chances are, everything I'm writing about will happen to you. The good news is, you can always overcome it.

1.) I was watching the Tyler Perry movie "Why did I get married?" once and something a character said really struck home with me. She explained the 80/20 rule. This rule means that the person you marry will only be 80% of what you want in another person, and I completely agree. There is NOT a single person on this earth that is going to be 100% of what you want, or even what you need. I am not telling you to "settle" because the other 20% of the stuff you won't even realize you're -missing- until years down the road, after the first stages of giddiness and newness wears off. Sometimes, we get caught up in the other 20%. The, he doesn't put the toilet seat down, She has a shoe habit, He should cook more, Why do I have to take out the trash, stuff. The way I see it is that in every situation I think of the good things. If you were to be with someone else would you still have to take out the trash? Probably. We let that 20% become our tunnel vision. The unimportant things we want to complain about when in reality you're getting 80%. There are going  to be things you don't like about your spouse, and that's okay. Try not to keep that 20% list. Would you be happy if your husband or wife was keeping a mental, even unintentional, list of all the things they hate about you?

2.)A big lesson I have learned through the tougher parts of marriage is that LOVE is not an emotion. Your marriage is not based on emotion. Your vows, and sacred bond is based on commitment. There will be days that you 'hate' your spouse. There will be days that you do not like them. You will keep on loving them the same because you simply said you would.

3.) There is a season for everything. Jay and I have both been through seasons and stages. Since we have a small age difference, there are things we need to catch up to the other person on. In the beginning of our marriage he was going through some stuff, that I quite frankly never understood. I would stay up at night, worrying, trying to answer the mystery of what he was going through. Then, a move, a baby, a job change, and 50lbs lost later I finally started to see it. Before, I thought his rut was because of me, like I had done something. In reality, what he was going through had nothing to do with me. In the midst of it all, I had vowed that no matter how hard it was, I would love him through it, and I am sure glad that I did. His problems did affect me, but they did not involve me. Sometimes you have to sit back, be supportive, and allow your spouse to get through what they're going through. What is funny is that, at this moment, I am going through what he was, back then. What helps is our awareness of this. Some days I just want to be left alone. On those days I will tell him that I want some space, and he gives it to me, without letting it offend him. On other days, I say that I do not want space. His response has been "good, I'll be on you like white on rice today" and I like white rice ;)
The biggest help with this is that he is not expected to know what I need day to day. Don't leave them guessing because chances are they won't be able to. Communicate your needs, daily.
I know a couple who got a divorce after a year because the husband was a home body and the wife wanted to go out all the time. My response was that's why you got a divorce? You see, we all go through stages. Going out and dancing, is a stage. The funny part is that the next guy she dated ended up getting her pregnant. Guess who doesn't like to go out anymore. So don't let stages blindside your marriage. Things will always change, that's something you can count on.

4.) STOP HINTING. Something that took me a while to realize and learn is a lesson in hinting. I want everyone to know that hinting is not okay. Women and men, both, hint. If you leave your marriage to subtle hints that your spouse is suppose to be picking up, you will never be happy. The best thing you can do is be honest and upfront. For example, many couples, us included, have issues with people your spouse is friends with. Jay use to hint that he did not want me talking to certain people, for his own reasons. These people were friends of mine, but let's face it, they were not more important to me than Jay. We were not super close friends that had grown up together, just people (mainly boys) that he did not get a long with, and Jay felt like they were not good for our marriage, and he was right. There were the same issues on his side too. You think that when you get married you shouldn't have to give up your "friends" and you shouldn't. But what about those acquaintances that you think are your friends? Be honest with yourself and decide if those people are really your friends. Decide what their motives are, and decide if that friendship is worth your marriage. Then start listening to what your spouse is saying. Jay would say "I don't care if you're friends........but" there was always a but. What Jay was really saying was "I do not want to tell you who to be friends with, but I want you to see that he does not have the respect for our marriage that I would like him to and I am uncomfortable with the friendship. I want you to decide on your own that you do not think that friendship brings you closer to me."
It took me a while to pick up on that hint because all I was hearing was "I don't care if you're friends" and for the longest time I wondered why in the world it was a big deal.

5.) Ask for compliments. Ladies, men are not mind readers. Please don't expect your husband to be. First I want to say that we all go through stages of insecurity. Especially women, with our hormones and bodies constantly changing etc. But, men do not know when you need the extra support. You may express to your husband that you love getting compliments instead of fishing for them. You see, it's okay to be insecure. It's not okay to put that on him. If you're feeling like you need a compliment just say "I am feeling a little down about my body today, a compliment would really cheer me up and make me feel better about myself" Then, he will know exactly what to say. If you take the "does this dress make my butt look big" approach, he immediately thinks he is in trouble and chances are, you will not get the compliment you were looking for. Do not set him up for that.

6.) Do the things he likes because he likes them. Do you need any other reason to go see an action movie, or watch a football game, other than the fact that he loves those things? For the longest time I have avoided all sports and wanted to hoard all of Jay's time for myself. The reality of the situation is that he likes sports. So why would I make him choose between watching them, and going shoe shopping with me? It's good to have hobbies, and activities you can do on your own, but eventually you'll find that you have nothing in common if you do not try for him or her. Don't let it get to a point of "I wish you did this..... more" Honestly, I hate sports, but, I respect that it's an important part of his life, so I will learn. Also, men seem to find it hot when a woman does the things he likes. ;)

7.) Do not let yourself go. Okay, this is a toughie. Weight, and appearance affect a lot more than just your weight and appearance. People get self pride from working out and being active. Of course you'll love your spouse no matter what they look like, but honestly, it's not about you. I am not saying tell your spouse to go work out if they complain about an extra 5 lbs. You might try saying "I think you still look great, but I know you'd feel better about yourself if we started to walk together at night, I know I'd feel better about myself too!" Just do not discourage working out by saying "omg you look fine". Again, its not just about appearance, its about self confidence. obviously your spouse had a moment of insecurity and they were checking to make sure you were still attracted to them.

8.) Say what you mean. Here's a big one. What do you want for dinner tonight? So many couples try to feel each other out before making simple decisions. Get decisive. Not to the point where you wear the pants but there is nothing more annoying than not being able to think for yourself. If you want tacos, say you want tacos. If you do not want your in laws to stay a week, say that too. Most fights are started because the other person should have picked up on your hints. Going back to that, they will pick up on the hints you didn't mean to drop, and not pick up on the ones you meant to drop. You will be unhappy with what happens in that situation if you do not just say what you mean. Whether its dinner, or something bigger.

9.) People change their minds, that's it.

10.) Constantly forgive each other. Sometimes when we decide to forgive our emotions do not immediately catch up. For example, you decided to forgive, but then you remembered how mad he made you, so you get angry again. Get into the habit of immediately forgiving again, and remember why you wanted to. In a marriage you simply cannot hold onto things. All of those little things add up. Try to understand, and always remember that you're probably not the only one feeling this way.

Marriage is hard. No matter how bad it gets, it can always be restored. Always.
Never lose hope, and do not worry. I strongly urge you to find your own happiness before getting married. If you're not happy with yourself, it's difficult for someone else to be.
Bring God into your marriage. Seek him, and your bond with your spouse will follow.
Marriage is beautiful, no matter what society is saying. It is YOUR marriage so be sure to only take advice that leads you closer to your spouse.

For the people pleasers, and permission getters

For the longest time I don't think I had made my own decisions. Let's be real here and think about it. Let's go back a couple years. In the past I have been easily influenced. I lived with family members, and friends, and its always been easiest to just take their advice, do what they think is best and move on. I have done that for the longest time and it wasn't until a couple months ago that I started to see the repercussions.
Right after high school I moved to Indianapolis with a few friends, in an 11th floor apartment. To my recollection, the first couple weeks of college may be the last time I was actually me. Sometimes I wonder if I even was then.
 My college situation moved pretty fast. Jam packed into about a year many things happened including a move to Indy, A year long relationship ending, jumping into a new relationship with a boy who was not the best for me at all. I also had many people pass away that I was close with including my very best friend at the time, a young cousin, and my closest aunt. My grades suffered and I had issues in school, and for a short period I was basically homeless.
Being desperate for somewhere to live, I moved in with my eldest sister, who I had just become close to. Right off the bat we were extremely close. I found common interests with her that I had been reluctant to share with anybody. The bad relationship I was in ended. In the worst way. With suicide threats and all. If you've never experienced how it feels to have someone trying to die because you broke up with them, in some twisted attempt to blame their drug use, and bad behavior on you, then let me tell ya, you're not missing out there. After M and I broke up, I found myself jumping into an even worse relationship. (seeing a trend here?) This guy tore me down constantly, and I didn't even notice. I stayed with him because I wanted to, and I was completely blindsided by him. We finally ended after almost another year and that may have been the worst breakup I ever went through. It was a rough time, but at least I had my sister, right?
Some thing I enjoyed while living with her was the pure freedom of it. My sister was supportive, and understood my need to break out and rebel. I went through a 6 month phase of doing absolutely nothing right. I started to party a lot. When I say a lot, I mean a lot. It got to the point where I was drinking and partying way too much. I also hung out with a crowd that didn't care, just as much as me, but for different reasons.  All of those kids are great people, and to this day I am friends with most of them. It was almost like we went through this young and dumb phase together and I loved that. However, I later found out that some of them were doing serious drugs and things I would never do. I have never touched drugs in my life, and I knew that was the ultimate "rock bottom" that I just didn't want to chance.
The thing about this whole story is that I lost a lot of friends, and gained many friends. Most things that went wrong was my own fault. I used a lot of people, and I was very dishonest. Mainly because I was just lost. I was lost in my own little world, and I had so many people influencing me, that I did what others wanted and when you do that, you end up making the wrong moves, and losing people who really cared. I was pretty much a selfish, bad person that 6 month period. I wanted to impress certain people, at the expense of my friends. It was stupid, and I couldn't feel more terrible about it.
My life started to come together when I "met" Jay again. What I mean by met jay, is that he and I had dated briefly in high school. He broke my heart, and we didn't date anymore, but we did become best friends. Throughout all of this story, I talked to Jay everyday. Through every relationship, Jay was the "guy" all my boyfriends got mad that I was talking to. Jay was my rock, but even he didn't know the extent to my life. He never partied with me in those situations. I did see him on occasion- he would bring me quarters to do my laundry, take me to a movie, and was just the good side of life. Jay and I started to hang out when I was "talking" to a guy from Indy...after a period of not dating anyone for a long time. The day I saw Jay, I simply stopped talking to the other guy. Like, no explanation, cold turkey knew I wanted to be with Jay. Of course Jay had no idea. From that day on, we were inseparable, and have been ever since. We were engaged 4 months later, then bought a house 4 months after that, got married 6 months after that, and pregnant 6 months after that. Again, A lot of life happened. I then lost my job, and you know the story from there.
My whole point is that through this whole period I always had somebody. Whether it was my sister, a boyfriend, a friend or a husband, I've always had someone to think for me. I've always had someone to consider when I made decisions. When was the last time I just woke up and did what I wanted to do that day?

You never see the repercussions until years later. I started to see them recently when I met a friend of mine. Her and I are getting closer and closer and I love it! She is decisive and I adore that about her. It made me realize that this whole time I had been letting people walk all over me and make day to day decisions for me. Remember when I said Don't waste your dreams on another persons promise? Isn't this the same thing? Just smaller promises. The ones that don't matter, until you see that they do?
When you let others make decisions for you for whatever reason. Whether they're a relative, boyfriend, or you just don't care and go with the crowd-you're not really being true to yourself. You become this people pleaser.
This PERMISSION getter

The girl who finds herself waiting around for other people.

One day you wake up and realize that you've been planning your day around someone else for so long, and guess what? ITS YOUR DAY! Why are you doing that?

You will never be able to make everyone happy and there is no way you can be perfect to all of these people influencing you. Its time to find yourself. Dig out that bucket list you made as a teenager, add to it and go live!

Life happens fast guys.

Stop taking advice from people. "God gave you YOUR dreams, he did not give them to anyone else- stop asking people what they think!" -Linda Toupin

Don't Wast Your Dreams on Another Person's Promise

I was having a talk with one of my oldest sisters this morning about careers, school, and children. Courtney and I have these life talks quite often and it typically gives me a new perspective in life. Courtney is a driven single mother working towards a master degree in Wealth Management. Her daughter, my niece, Olivia, is a week older than Braxton. Courtney is 7 years older than me. Somehow Court and I end up in the same place in life, or at least parallels, with every changing season. This morning our chat based around one of my favorite quotes

"Do not waste your dreams on another person's promise"

This quote is dear to me, as I grew up in an extremely broken home. My mother married quite frequently, and as a senior in high school, I realized that I had never seen a marriage work. 

This quote works two ways for me. First, I do not want to compete with my husband, I have no problems if he makes more money than me, but personally, I would never want to NOT contribute financially. There is nothing wrong with stay at home moms, and I wont even touch that topic. What I am saying is I pride myself in working, in some way. Having career goals of my own make me feel better about myself, and make me feel accomplished. I would never allow the fact that my husband makes good money, stop me from having goals of my own.

Being in direct sales for so long has been good and bad for this sense of accomplishment. I have achieved many things so far, but they were not the things I wanted to achieve. Of course, we measure ourselves by intention, instead of action, and my intention was to be further along. Ultimately, I still feel like I have not accomplished anything.

For Courtney, her sense of accomplishment comes from education. She feels the best knowing she is working towards something that will better her life in the future, that she can work towards daily.  I am so proud of my sister for starting school as a single mother. Working her butt off to make something of herself. 

In our conversation, we both agreed that even in our separate situations, myself being happily married, and her being a single mother, we must both teach our children to go after their dreams no matter what their marital status is. 

I have seen so many times from my own mother the opposite of this. As soon as she would get married, she would sit back, relax in life and give up on her own dreams because she started to focus on another person. In my opinion, one thing that makes my marriage so great is that Jay and I both have something we are working towards. I am working to get back into the dental field, managing and growing a practice. Jay is working to be the first department director with his credentials. Its so wonderful to have these goals and cheering each other on. We sometimes forget to celebrate the small accomplishments, as those are just as important as the big achievements.

The second reason this quote is so dear to me, is in Mary Kay, I feel like I have been pushed to become something that I wasn't. Someone "above" me had dreams for me that I am not sure I've ever actually wanted. I thought I wanted them, but did I? or did she?  Her promises of riches, and a certain lifestyle sounded great, and I worked very hard for those things, and ultimately never got them. I see no problem in working a "regular" job. Although, I've been convinced for the past few years that working in the "normal" workforce is settling. To me, the things that matter are coming home, reaching career goals of any magnitude, having a family, owning a home, raising a gentleman, and being a productive member of society. Lately, I've been sitting back and asking myself what really matters to me. Quite honestly, I prefer the "normal" life, I think. 

What I am trying to say is that: No matter who it is, a spouse, a boss, or a mentor, do not waste your dreams, whatever they are, on the promises of someone else. People break promises. If you allow others to make plans for YOUR life, and your children's life, you might wake up one day and find that they didn't plan much for you at all. Go after what you want.