Trying not to boil

I am having trouble today catching up with my own mind. I have about 7 posts in que that I can't seem to finish because my mind is going a mile a minute. What is on my heart today is change. The kind of change that is life altering. When you can feel in your bones that something big is going to happen. Something that makes you feel scared and comforted at the same time. When you do not want to stay were you're at, but you have no idea which way life is going to go.

This past eight months has been very challenging for Jay and I. Starting in January we had a huge shift, for the worse. By May we felt so beaten down that we weren't even sure if we could ever get back up again. Now it is September, wow. We are hoping that good things will happen again, and that is the only thing keeping us going. The hope and faith that we could possibly be launched into something great.

It is the beginning of September and I am reminded of a few things.

"Your darkest hour can only last 60 minutes."

 What has been going on for the Bentlage's you ask? Well, the deep dark truth is that in January we had a very tough period in our marriage. Since then, we have completely rebuilt and God has restored us. At one point, I was not sure if we were going to make it to our third wedding anniversary in October. We got a big wake up call there, but if we hadn't those issues would still be lingering. I honestly like to refer to that period as a good period, although it was hard, it brought light to everything that was tearing us apart. Next, I had a "break up" if you will with a person who was a very big part of my life.

"You're not afraid of the dark, you're afraid of what's in it"

I heard a quote once that was something about ^. That right there is vulnerability.  We're not afraid of the dark. We're afraid of what's hiding in the dark. We're afraid of being vulnerable.
That is exactly what happened. I trusted someone, looked up to them, took their advice to find out that I had invested three years into that relationship and I had been manipulated the whole time. What do you do when you have been thinking someone loves you, thinking someone has your best interest in mind, to realize-they don't. ?????? You break up.

While these big emotional changes were happening we also knew that life was happening too. Just like everyone has, we had a period where whatever could go wrong did. Car accident, speeding tickets, Getting stuck in the snow ditches, appliances breaking, our rental property having problems, car problems. The things you try to take in stride and could handle, if only the rest of your life wasn't leaving you raw.

Lastly, we were robbed. Wait, we're talking about vulnerability right? Someone coming into your home and invading your personal space is the ultimate vulnerability. Someone had been watching my family casing my house and waiting. Waiting for their moment to seize our sense of safety. For two days following Jay and I slept in the living room to be closer to Braxton. We couldn't bear sleeping in our own bed. Someone had been in my room, in my things, and now they know.

We did lose many items including jewelry, B's piggy bank, laptop, camera, ipad, money, etc but what we lost the most was our sense of safety. We felt dirty in our own home. I did not want to touch door knobs, and I had to wash every article of clothing they went through. We felt as if we had no protection, whatever we own is just there for the taking. There for the world to see.

Someone was in my house, they saw my secrets, my way of living.

The messed up part is that in the days after the burglary, I couldn't help but wish my house had been cleaner. Like I should have picked up before the robbers came. How. sad. is. that.?

"Everything will be okay in the end, If it's not Okay,

It's not the end"

After all of this happened we hoped it was the last of it. We hoped, and still expected good things.
It wasn't until I started to change my mindset about my career that we saw real hope. When you're going against God it simply does not work. Joyce Meyer says: "If it's God it will work, if it's not, it won't" Simple right? Well then why did I spend 7 months trying to make things work when it wasn't God.

For some reason I thought I had to be big, instead of just being me.

Now, eight months later my family is in a period of rest. A period where we can start to rebuild. We have a sense of compassion we have never felt and an appreciation for what we have.

At this point I am dealing with a sense of defeat. Where I am hoping and praying that good things happen and we can get out of a slump, but when I think about it actually coming through I am surprised.

How do you deal with being in the gutter so deep your mind is challenged by any other way of life?

You know the saying that when a frog is put in a boiling pot, it will jump out. But if you put a frog in lukewarm water and slowing bring it to a boil, it will let itself die? When bad things happen over and over and over again, you start to feel strings being cut from an old life. My heart is calm, and full of God's peace. My mind though, is chaos.

Right now, we're just trying not to boil.

The positive side of life: God

Here is the positive side of life:

It all gets better! :)

For the past few years Jay and I have been feeling defeated, even when we didn't know it. We have had a cloud over our heads for a long time, mainly because of finances. We lost our main income when I was 13 weeks pregnant. Over this time we have had things to help us get through. However, we both knew it was never enough.

Right before I got pregnant and lost that job, I made the most important decision of my life, accepting God.

I asked God to change me and put me into my destiny. I asked God to bring me closer to him. I asked him to make my dreams come true. 

When you say "make my dreams come true" you must know first, what those dreams are right? At the time, I guess I didn't. I knew what I wanted, but let me tell you, what I wanted 2 years ago, has nothing to do with my dreams right now.

Everything in life is constantly changing. The things you want right now, that you cant live without may be nothing close to what you want in 6 months. 

What I was really asking God was "make my dreams come true, as long as that means giving me what I think I want"

The truth of the matter is, WE don't know our dreams. Only God does. Only God can see our whole hearts.

He can see our past, present, and future at the same time. He knows where we've been and he knows where we're going. 

When I had accepted God into my life I had no idea what I was doing, or how much it would change me. I had not been to church, and I grew up in an environment where I wasn't really allowed to go to church. I basically woke up one day and told Jay I wanted to get baptized. I picked out a fancy church down the street and I called the journey pastor. I was baptized a week later. 

I knew that a relationship of this magnitude does not happen over night. I have had to seriously challenge myself on many things, but it has been SO worth it. We have had a ton of pain this year, to tell you honestly. Only because we had things in our lives that were not meant to be. A baby, a renewed marriage, 3 job changes, and a whole lot of faith later I can tell you that it all happened for the best.

You see, God doesn't just say "okay my child, you've accepted me, here is everything you want." NO! He will test your faith, and he will make sure your motives are right. He will challenge your heart, and when HE decides you're somebody he can use- THEN you will receive your destiny. If he tests you, and you fail, He will keep testing you until you pass. 

I will tell you that my story is not over. With faith, I will tell you that God put a dream in my heart, and with EXTREME faith, I believe there are wonderful things coming my way.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways, submit to him

and he will make your paths straight.

proverbs 3:5-6

GOD IS GREAT!