I love everything I hate about you..

This morning I woke up to the most wonderful thing! Someone asking for advice! Well, I'll tell you right off that I am not paid to do this, and I have no degree backing me up. What I do have is an opinion, and a unique upbringing that allows me to see life a tad differently than the rest of the world. Just like any woman, I LOVE to share my opinion :)

SV asked: "Hey Sam, I have been engaged to my fiance for a few months now. The wedding date is approaching faster and faster and I was wondering if you had any advice on being a newly wed couple. I know you and Jay got married quickly, and young. What would you tell other couples about keeping a strong marriage?"

When you get married at a young age, it can be challenging. Although, like any 20 year old, you think you know exactly what you want and you think you have it all figured out. I know I did, but the most surprising thing happened when Jay and I started our journey, we both realized that we didn't.
Here are a few of the "ah ha!" moments I had. Some of them were very harsh realizations that I had. Some of them simple. There is nothing better than honesty, and honestly, marriage is hard. People will tell you the good things, and the bad things about marriage but until you're faced with those same situations you probably aren't listening. Do me a favor and listen, really listen. Chances are, everything I'm writing about will happen to you. The good news is, you can always overcome it.

1.) I was watching the Tyler Perry movie "Why did I get married?" once and something a character said really struck home with me. She explained the 80/20 rule. This rule means that the person you marry will only be 80% of what you want in another person, and I completely agree. There is NOT a single person on this earth that is going to be 100% of what you want, or even what you need. I am not telling you to "settle" because the other 20% of the stuff you won't even realize you're -missing- until years down the road, after the first stages of giddiness and newness wears off. Sometimes, we get caught up in the other 20%. The, he doesn't put the toilet seat down, She has a shoe habit, He should cook more, Why do I have to take out the trash, stuff. The way I see it is that in every situation I think of the good things. If you were to be with someone else would you still have to take out the trash? Probably. We let that 20% become our tunnel vision. The unimportant things we want to complain about when in reality you're getting 80%. There are going  to be things you don't like about your spouse, and that's okay. Try not to keep that 20% list. Would you be happy if your husband or wife was keeping a mental, even unintentional, list of all the things they hate about you?

2.)A big lesson I have learned through the tougher parts of marriage is that LOVE is not an emotion. Your marriage is not based on emotion. Your vows, and sacred bond is based on commitment. There will be days that you 'hate' your spouse. There will be days that you do not like them. You will keep on loving them the same because you simply said you would.

3.) There is a season for everything. Jay and I have both been through seasons and stages. Since we have a small age difference, there are things we need to catch up to the other person on. In the beginning of our marriage he was going through some stuff, that I quite frankly never understood. I would stay up at night, worrying, trying to answer the mystery of what he was going through. Then, a move, a baby, a job change, and 50lbs lost later I finally started to see it. Before, I thought his rut was because of me, like I had done something. In reality, what he was going through had nothing to do with me. In the midst of it all, I had vowed that no matter how hard it was, I would love him through it, and I am sure glad that I did. His problems did affect me, but they did not involve me. Sometimes you have to sit back, be supportive, and allow your spouse to get through what they're going through. What is funny is that, at this moment, I am going through what he was, back then. What helps is our awareness of this. Some days I just want to be left alone. On those days I will tell him that I want some space, and he gives it to me, without letting it offend him. On other days, I say that I do not want space. His response has been "good, I'll be on you like white on rice today" and I like white rice ;)
The biggest help with this is that he is not expected to know what I need day to day. Don't leave them guessing because chances are they won't be able to. Communicate your needs, daily.
I know a couple who got a divorce after a year because the husband was a home body and the wife wanted to go out all the time. My response was that's why you got a divorce? You see, we all go through stages. Going out and dancing, is a stage. The funny part is that the next guy she dated ended up getting her pregnant. Guess who doesn't like to go out anymore. So don't let stages blindside your marriage. Things will always change, that's something you can count on.

4.) STOP HINTING. Something that took me a while to realize and learn is a lesson in hinting. I want everyone to know that hinting is not okay. Women and men, both, hint. If you leave your marriage to subtle hints that your spouse is suppose to be picking up, you will never be happy. The best thing you can do is be honest and upfront. For example, many couples, us included, have issues with people your spouse is friends with. Jay use to hint that he did not want me talking to certain people, for his own reasons. These people were friends of mine, but let's face it, they were not more important to me than Jay. We were not super close friends that had grown up together, just people (mainly boys) that he did not get a long with, and Jay felt like they were not good for our marriage, and he was right. There were the same issues on his side too. You think that when you get married you shouldn't have to give up your "friends" and you shouldn't. But what about those acquaintances that you think are your friends? Be honest with yourself and decide if those people are really your friends. Decide what their motives are, and decide if that friendship is worth your marriage. Then start listening to what your spouse is saying. Jay would say "I don't care if you're friends........but" there was always a but. What Jay was really saying was "I do not want to tell you who to be friends with, but I want you to see that he does not have the respect for our marriage that I would like him to and I am uncomfortable with the friendship. I want you to decide on your own that you do not think that friendship brings you closer to me."
It took me a while to pick up on that hint because all I was hearing was "I don't care if you're friends" and for the longest time I wondered why in the world it was a big deal.

5.) Ask for compliments. Ladies, men are not mind readers. Please don't expect your husband to be. First I want to say that we all go through stages of insecurity. Especially women, with our hormones and bodies constantly changing etc. But, men do not know when you need the extra support. You may express to your husband that you love getting compliments instead of fishing for them. You see, it's okay to be insecure. It's not okay to put that on him. If you're feeling like you need a compliment just say "I am feeling a little down about my body today, a compliment would really cheer me up and make me feel better about myself" Then, he will know exactly what to say. If you take the "does this dress make my butt look big" approach, he immediately thinks he is in trouble and chances are, you will not get the compliment you were looking for. Do not set him up for that.

6.) Do the things he likes because he likes them. Do you need any other reason to go see an action movie, or watch a football game, other than the fact that he loves those things? For the longest time I have avoided all sports and wanted to hoard all of Jay's time for myself. The reality of the situation is that he likes sports. So why would I make him choose between watching them, and going shoe shopping with me? It's good to have hobbies, and activities you can do on your own, but eventually you'll find that you have nothing in common if you do not try for him or her. Don't let it get to a point of "I wish you did this..... more" Honestly, I hate sports, but, I respect that it's an important part of his life, so I will learn. Also, men seem to find it hot when a woman does the things he likes. ;)

7.) Do not let yourself go. Okay, this is a toughie. Weight, and appearance affect a lot more than just your weight and appearance. People get self pride from working out and being active. Of course you'll love your spouse no matter what they look like, but honestly, it's not about you. I am not saying tell your spouse to go work out if they complain about an extra 5 lbs. You might try saying "I think you still look great, but I know you'd feel better about yourself if we started to walk together at night, I know I'd feel better about myself too!" Just do not discourage working out by saying "omg you look fine". Again, its not just about appearance, its about self confidence. obviously your spouse had a moment of insecurity and they were checking to make sure you were still attracted to them.

8.) Say what you mean. Here's a big one. What do you want for dinner tonight? So many couples try to feel each other out before making simple decisions. Get decisive. Not to the point where you wear the pants but there is nothing more annoying than not being able to think for yourself. If you want tacos, say you want tacos. If you do not want your in laws to stay a week, say that too. Most fights are started because the other person should have picked up on your hints. Going back to that, they will pick up on the hints you didn't mean to drop, and not pick up on the ones you meant to drop. You will be unhappy with what happens in that situation if you do not just say what you mean. Whether its dinner, or something bigger.

9.) People change their minds, that's it.

10.) Constantly forgive each other. Sometimes when we decide to forgive our emotions do not immediately catch up. For example, you decided to forgive, but then you remembered how mad he made you, so you get angry again. Get into the habit of immediately forgiving again, and remember why you wanted to. In a marriage you simply cannot hold onto things. All of those little things add up. Try to understand, and always remember that you're probably not the only one feeling this way.

Marriage is hard. No matter how bad it gets, it can always be restored. Always.
Never lose hope, and do not worry. I strongly urge you to find your own happiness before getting married. If you're not happy with yourself, it's difficult for someone else to be.
Bring God into your marriage. Seek him, and your bond with your spouse will follow.
Marriage is beautiful, no matter what society is saying. It is YOUR marriage so be sure to only take advice that leads you closer to your spouse.