For the people pleasers, and permission getters

For the longest time I don't think I had made my own decisions. Let's be real here and think about it. Let's go back a couple years. In the past I have been easily influenced. I lived with family members, and friends, and its always been easiest to just take their advice, do what they think is best and move on. I have done that for the longest time and it wasn't until a couple months ago that I started to see the repercussions.
Right after high school I moved to Indianapolis with a few friends, in an 11th floor apartment. To my recollection, the first couple weeks of college may be the last time I was actually me. Sometimes I wonder if I even was then.
 My college situation moved pretty fast. Jam packed into about a year many things happened including a move to Indy, A year long relationship ending, jumping into a new relationship with a boy who was not the best for me at all. I also had many people pass away that I was close with including my very best friend at the time, a young cousin, and my closest aunt. My grades suffered and I had issues in school, and for a short period I was basically homeless.
Being desperate for somewhere to live, I moved in with my eldest sister, who I had just become close to. Right off the bat we were extremely close. I found common interests with her that I had been reluctant to share with anybody. The bad relationship I was in ended. In the worst way. With suicide threats and all. If you've never experienced how it feels to have someone trying to die because you broke up with them, in some twisted attempt to blame their drug use, and bad behavior on you, then let me tell ya, you're not missing out there. After M and I broke up, I found myself jumping into an even worse relationship. (seeing a trend here?) This guy tore me down constantly, and I didn't even notice. I stayed with him because I wanted to, and I was completely blindsided by him. We finally ended after almost another year and that may have been the worst breakup I ever went through. It was a rough time, but at least I had my sister, right?
Some thing I enjoyed while living with her was the pure freedom of it. My sister was supportive, and understood my need to break out and rebel. I went through a 6 month phase of doing absolutely nothing right. I started to party a lot. When I say a lot, I mean a lot. It got to the point where I was drinking and partying way too much. I also hung out with a crowd that didn't care, just as much as me, but for different reasons.  All of those kids are great people, and to this day I am friends with most of them. It was almost like we went through this young and dumb phase together and I loved that. However, I later found out that some of them were doing serious drugs and things I would never do. I have never touched drugs in my life, and I knew that was the ultimate "rock bottom" that I just didn't want to chance.
The thing about this whole story is that I lost a lot of friends, and gained many friends. Most things that went wrong was my own fault. I used a lot of people, and I was very dishonest. Mainly because I was just lost. I was lost in my own little world, and I had so many people influencing me, that I did what others wanted and when you do that, you end up making the wrong moves, and losing people who really cared. I was pretty much a selfish, bad person that 6 month period. I wanted to impress certain people, at the expense of my friends. It was stupid, and I couldn't feel more terrible about it.
My life started to come together when I "met" Jay again. What I mean by met jay, is that he and I had dated briefly in high school. He broke my heart, and we didn't date anymore, but we did become best friends. Throughout all of this story, I talked to Jay everyday. Through every relationship, Jay was the "guy" all my boyfriends got mad that I was talking to. Jay was my rock, but even he didn't know the extent to my life. He never partied with me in those situations. I did see him on occasion- he would bring me quarters to do my laundry, take me to a movie, and was just the good side of life. Jay and I started to hang out when I was "talking" to a guy from Indy...after a period of not dating anyone for a long time. The day I saw Jay, I simply stopped talking to the other guy. Like, no explanation, cold turkey knew I wanted to be with Jay. Of course Jay had no idea. From that day on, we were inseparable, and have been ever since. We were engaged 4 months later, then bought a house 4 months after that, got married 6 months after that, and pregnant 6 months after that. Again, A lot of life happened. I then lost my job, and you know the story from there.
My whole point is that through this whole period I always had somebody. Whether it was my sister, a boyfriend, a friend or a husband, I've always had someone to think for me. I've always had someone to consider when I made decisions. When was the last time I just woke up and did what I wanted to do that day?

You never see the repercussions until years later. I started to see them recently when I met a friend of mine. Her and I are getting closer and closer and I love it! She is decisive and I adore that about her. It made me realize that this whole time I had been letting people walk all over me and make day to day decisions for me. Remember when I said Don't waste your dreams on another persons promise? Isn't this the same thing? Just smaller promises. The ones that don't matter, until you see that they do?
When you let others make decisions for you for whatever reason. Whether they're a relative, boyfriend, or you just don't care and go with the crowd-you're not really being true to yourself. You become this people pleaser.
This PERMISSION getter

The girl who finds herself waiting around for other people.

One day you wake up and realize that you've been planning your day around someone else for so long, and guess what? ITS YOUR DAY! Why are you doing that?

You will never be able to make everyone happy and there is no way you can be perfect to all of these people influencing you. Its time to find yourself. Dig out that bucket list you made as a teenager, add to it and go live!

Life happens fast guys.

Stop taking advice from people. "God gave you YOUR dreams, he did not give them to anyone else- stop asking people what they think!" -Linda Toupin