It had been years since we talked. To suddenly get a message on facebook from a person who had once meant so much to me, was huge. We immediately hit it off again and went over all the nights we had spent as teenagers.
At this time in life I was in college and getting out of an extremely bad relationship, and to be honest, I wasn't totally in the clear yet. I saw this as an opportunity to pick up where we had left off, and since it was good the first time, why wouldn't the magic be there now?
He had moved to college, and lived two hours away now. But the night we started talking again he told me that he had to see me and made that two hour drive right away.
We stayed up all night, in a twin sized bed talking about how great it had been. How we never fought and how destiny brought us back together.
His charisma and charmed worked the first time, and it was immediately clear that it would work again. It didn't surprise me at all that I wanted to jump into a relationship with him. I almost had something to prove. All those years ago came snowballing back into my life and I thought for a moment that I could have it all back again. I knew that the first time wasn't as magical as I remembered it being, but here I was, naively going back for more.
The beginning of the relationship was great. He again, was patient with me and helped me through the tough relationship I was coming out of. I met his family for the first time, and he introduced me as his girlfriend.
We went on small road trips together, and I felt like I had someone who really knew me.
We stayed boyfriend and girlfriend for months. I lived in Indy with my sister, and he lived at college two hours away. We stayed together on the weekends, alternating trips until soccer season started. It was 2008 at the height of gas prices rising to $4/gallon. It was tough for two college students, but we made it work.
There was one issue. I had a secret.
I had a secret, and he could tell. It had nothing to do with him but it was a big part of my life, and I did not want to share it with him. I was so scared of being vulnerable. This was one thing that I did not tell anyone, but of course, he pulled it out of me.
The night he found out my secret, we cried together. He was very sad for me and promised to be by my side through it all. I felt as though I could finally trust someone again. I was at my weakest, and I just gave him all my power.
After a year of dating, he started to change. To this day I am not sure why.
One night we were in his tiny dorm room, and he started to tear me down. A seemingly good relationship was ripped apart with words. He called me every name he could think of.
Every insecurity was thrown in my face. A cruel so casual, like he never cared at all. How was it so easy for him to say all of those things about me? What did I do to deserve it?
I started to pack my things, starting with my clothes, and then pictures. It was clear I was no longer wanted.
He pulled me back. By this time I was balling. Crying so hard I could not breathe. I though our relationship was wonderful, and here he is, dropping a bag of bombs.
I was devastated, but couldn't drive two hours, so I asked him if we could just go to bed.
He was puzzled at my question. Smirked as if he thought he got away with it. Nonetheless, we went to sleep.
The next day we woke up and went to McDonalds. At a four seater table we talked, but not much on the night before. I warned him that if he ever talked to me like that again we would be done. I don't really know if I meant it, but I wasn't ready to lose what I thought we had.
As time went by, it got worse and worse. He stopped wanting to come down on weekends and warned me that we wouldn't be spending as much time together. Out of desperation, and not taking his hints, I vowed to go to him every weekend, and so I did.
We started to fight, often. Breaking furniture, and mirrors, fighting.
For the first time in months, and the last time in my life he came to Indy to see me, and to bring medicine I had left at his dorm. We both knew it was the end, and we sat on my bed- The same twin sized bed where it all began, and agreed that we would be over. I could tell that he wanted it for a while, and I had purely been there for convenience. I strongly agreed to his terms, never talking again. We cried together, once more. Then he left.
That is the last time I ever saw him.
Shortly after I text him. I couldn't control myself. I said that we made a mistake and I wanted to stay together...... So the story begins.
He ignored me for a long time, hoping that my heart would heal and I could move on.
I wanted that too.
Break ups are fine if your'e on the good side of leaving.
Countless nights I cried, sitting on my bed convincing myself that people just change their minds.
I analyzed every minute of our relationship and wondered where and what went wrong. I couldn't help but think back to the night he tore into me like he had nothing better to do.
I told myself over and over that I needed to get over him, that he didn't want me anymore.
Later I found out that he had been cheating on me.
Later he leaked pictures of me I never knew he had.
Later, he told everyone my biggest secret.
He took my biggest secret, and broke me with it.
a straight cut to the throat, a pain so real, you can physically feel it.
By this time, the pain and rejection was so intense all I wanted to do was party. I was lost. I wanted someone to want me because the person I wanted didn't.
He not only took me once, but twice, and I blamed myself.
For the year following I was nothing but reckless.
We all have a wrecking ball, and he was mine.
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