I miss you already.

As the "back to work" date potentially approaches I have begun to think about what "back to work" truly means for myself and my family. We seem to get these ideas and just run with them. Not really thinking of the consequences, good and bad.
Going back to work for my family is mainly beneficial. The money aspect especially. Then there's Braxton going to an all day learning environment which is wonderful, and mommy's self esteem of course.
The only problem I am seeing with it is this:

I am going to miss my kid.

Yep, that's it.

You're probably ready to jump through the computer to smack me in the face and tell me to wake up because we all miss our kids. duh.
But let me break it down a little bit here and explain why I am writing a whole blog about it.

First, it was best for my family at the time (almost 2 years ago) for me to be a stay at home/ work at home mom. You would think that was easy.
I was able to make home made baby food and nurse my son for 13 months. All great things.

Last night, I did something with braxton that I had never done before. I let him stay the night without me. He stayed at his nana and "baw baw's" house. just because.

I stayed up until 1 am worrying for no reason, but it did bring up my anxiety issues again, of leaving him.
When he was an infant I had severe post par tum depression, and I would get final destination style images of my son dying 10 times a day. literally.

For the first time in a while that happened again and scared the crap out of me.

You see, its scary. Once you become a mom you become, well, a mom. and that includes all these fears and anxieties you never thought you'd have.

I do know that Braxton will be completely okay all day without me. But then there's also the fact that Jay and I have been discussing having a second child (we have never entertained that idea before) and I wonder how much me going back to work changes that idea. I already know that every child is different and I would not be able to do the same things with her that I did with B. (yes, ive already decided our second child will be a girl, ha)

This whole mess brought me to the point. No matter what we do in life we feel guilty as a mom. PLEASE someone tell me that there will be an end to this?

If I'm a stay at home mom I feel bad for the material things, and opportunities we don't have. I feel lazy because I don't mop the bathroom floor everyday. I feel bad because I don't like to cook extravagant dinners, and have cake ready afterwards. I feel bad because I am not the perfect stay at home mom. I feel bad about myself because I was rushed and put my shoes on the wrong feet, mascara on one eye, and heaven forbid, forgot to wear a bra. Not to mention the 10 lbs I gained last winter. We feel bad about these things because stay at home moms are suppose to have all the time in the world, right?

Then, If I go back to work I'll feel bad because I am not spending 14 hours a day with my children. I won't have time to cook dinner every night, I might have to skip a PTO meeting, my kids will ride the school bus, and my bathroom floor may never be mopped again.

Although I am not a traditional working mom yet, I can't help but think that you just can't win here.

I am unsatisfied if I do not, and I am guilty if I do.

This is just one of those things you work through and figure out. You do the best you can for your family.
I guess I'll have to learn that perfection isn't possible, and I do not have to wear all of these hats and be all of these things.

:(

To B: I miss you already.